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Posts Tagged ‘Hagwon’

Lest you think my students are only capable of techno-brutalized Engrish sentences, I thought I should make mention of a few instances where the electronic translator, well, worked…kind of.

Ex #1

Usually, after working through a new reading passage with my students, I request that they create sentences using their newly acquired vocabulary.  Try as I might to get my students to actually invent new sentences, most simply copy the word’s usage directly from the story we read.

Last week, the word “chew” seemed to be particularly problematic.  Their homework, then, amongst other words, was to create a sentence using “chew.”  Statistically speaking, these were the results:
70% returned with a fully plagiarized sentence: “Little Billy chewed his food noisily.”
20%” handed in fairly simple (but commendable nonetheless) sentences of their own imagination:  “I chew food” or, it’s variant, “I chew gum.”
10% (ie. one student) submitted this delightful ‘creation’:  “He spent the whole night chewing it over.”

Ex #2

In a case very similar to that mentioned above, I asked for a sentence Rockhopper Penguincontaining the word “eyebrow.”  We were learning about penguins and had just read about the splendidly amusing features of the Rockhopper Penguin:

“The yellow feathers of the Rockhopper Penguin look like long eyebrows”

Again, most of my students simply copied this sentence as homework; thankfully, however, one student ventured out into the creative realm, writing, “my eyebrows are novel.”

I chuckled aloud at the idea of ‘novel eyebrows’ but my student was quick to come to the defense of his sentence.  He stated emphatically that, yes, his eyebrows were very novel indeed.  I looked up from his homework to see for myself.  And sure enough, his eyebrows, though wide enough to be bushy, were, in fact, rather sparse– the hairs receding up into his forehead sporadically, with no clear delineation of a single brow.  It was a wonder I had never noticed them before.

“You’re right!” I conceded, “your eyebrows are rather novel!”

Ex. #3

This has nothing to do with techno-translators, but everything to do with a good quote.

I have a student who, on any given day, would far rather be playing computer games than studying English (okay, I have more than a few of these types).  But no other student is like this one.  First of all, his name, Luigi RunsLuigi, is derived from the (in?)famous Nintendo character.  Luigi is quite big for his age, consistently lumbers into class late, and never, absolutely never, has a pencil with him.  But I really enjoy working with him; the more difficult it is to interest a student, the more rewarding it can be when you (finally) have them focused and learning.

Yesterday, unfortunately, Luigi was less than interested.  He squirmed all class, tuning in only insofar as his needing to answer the occasional question.  Near the close of class, he interrupted the lesson with lazy waves of his hand and an equally tired, almost anguished, call:

Teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher…I have question.
H’m, yes, Luigi.
Who made English?
Well, no one really.  It happened over 1500 years ago.
Well, I want to kill him.

The bell rings, leaving me feeling quite enamored with my profession.

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“Your late twenties are all about coming to terms with your own mediocrity.”  So said my minutely older friend a few months ago, before resigning his body to the lulling heat of the green-tea bath, sliding out of sight beneath the water’s shimmering, yellow-green surface.  I wanted to object, to muster a bold retort.  I wanted to marshal an argument based on the conceptual fruits of perseverance, discipline, and hard work.  I wanted to wrestle a smidgen of realistic truth out from a tired, idealistic cliche, like “all your dreams are within your reach,” or something like that.

There are few good pictures of Korean Jjimjilbangs.  This is the best I could find.

There are few good pictures of Korean Jjimjilbangs. This is the best I could find.

But of course, I didn’t (as my grammar makes abundantly clear).  I watched as my friend’s hair spread itself flat along the surface, as it danced cautiously, like seaweed, in the agitated waters of a Korean bathhouse (jjimjilbang).  I watched from my perch on the other end of the small pool; my arms spread wide, crucified to the tiled edge.  My lower torso bobbing weightlessly to the shooting time of two underwater jets.  My stomach exposed, naked.  The steam rising slowly through my sodden mass of chest hair.

I knew that any counter-argument would only amount to hot air and, in this case, quite literally.  Our education systems (both in the West and here in Korea) are structured so as to give off the plausibility of your being anything you want to be: combine hard work and perseverance with good grades and innate abilities and, presto (or is it abracadabra?), you’re halfway up the corporate ladder to a management position, or combing the ocean floor for new marine life, or blasting off to space, or what-have-you.  It’s not that this never happens.  Indeed, many of the people we idealize, whose biographies we keep repeating, seemed on-track for success at a very early age.  Lance Armstrong, for instance, was cycling far out to neighbouring towns at ten years of age and then calling home to be picked up, so of course he went on to win the Tour de France seven consecutive times.  Or a nineteen year old Steven Spielberg, who skipped out of a tour of Universal Studies, retrofitted a closet into his “office”, and worked away on his first film, unnoticed, for some time before being found out (and subsequently hired on for his tenacity).   Since teaching in Korea, I’ve felt this strategy of hero-making a bit more acutely.  The textbooks I teach from are full of short bios on famous people, designed to inspire young students– and depress their aging teachers.

With no such immediately obvious trajectory to famous success, I’ve been developing a bit of a neurosis.  There is, here, an anxiousness to aging that I have not hitherto recognized.  There is an acute, looming sense of coming-up-short, of  having underachieved and, hence, squandered what “could have been.”  This neurosis is relatively minor (or, at least not maniacal– rest assured dear family, friends, and concerned readers).  It mostly consists of constantly, and almost unconsciously, comparing myself to whomever wrote what I am reading, directed what I am seeing, or spoke what I am hearing.  And it’s not an outright comparison either; it is simply noting each person’s date of birth and recognizing that they were a member of parliament at 32, or a published author at 27, or a first round draft pick at 18…etcetera, ad infinitum.

Bathing for hours is hard work, so you might consider falling asleep for a few more in the communal hot rooms.  Photo by Jasonunbound

Bathing for hours is hard work, so you might consider falling asleep for a few more in the communal hot rooms. Photo by Jasonunbound

It was at this jjimjilbang and to my wizened and minutely older friend that I admitted to such unfair self-comparisons.  Incredibly, I found an ally (for misery loves company), someone with the same penchant for feelings of inadequacy before the cultural productions of the young and the brilliant.  It is fitting that our ensuing conversation occurred within numerous hot pools, saunas, and cold waterfalls, all of varying degrees of temperature; a body simply cannot help but feel old in a Korean jjimjilbang.   Perhaps it’s the rapidly pruning fingers and the absorption of so much water that makes one feel closer to death; or it’s the way in which six hours of bathing seems to call for a thousand years of sleep; or, at the very least, it’s the horrific amount of dead skin peeled off by scrubbing brushes at the sit-down shower stalls.

Whatever the case, it is the prospect of death, I think, which drives these ludicrous comparisons, which makes me horrified at the thought of ‘wasted time’.  I rarely read a book twice; I almost never see a movie a second time.  And it was nice to share a genuine laugh at our ridiculous notion of gazing out over the vast expanse of human artistic production and comparing ourselves to any one and all.  It was like an AA meeting for the washed up and old (yep, we’re almost 26 and 27 respectively)!  I know, intuitively, that such behaviour is destructively selfish.  For, what else is it but pure selfishness when you cannot see past the tip of your own nose to genuinely admire the accomplishments of another person?  Admittedly though, we did share a triumphant high-five, in the sea-salt sauna, I think, upon realizing that the quirky and brilliant Cohen Brothers, though youthful, are in fact in their early-fifties!

"Hey Geoffrey, come on! We need you!"

"Hey Geoffrey, come on! We need you!"

Anyway, I think this habit goes back a long way.  In elementary school, I used to envision the Ninja Turtles breaking through the cinderblock wall of my classroom and calling me away to an all-important battle against Shredder.  My dream never did pass beyond the gaping jaws of my classmates, who were clearly jealous that I was on the “in” with Donatello,  for that was all I wanted anyway, to be different and recognized and, well, cool.  Perhaps not much has changed.  I hope this all sounds rather more melodramatic than melancholic; it’s not that I’m an unhappy, dissatisfied person– much the opposite in fact.  It’s simply that in the face of others’ successes, I feel I must not waste anytime.  And this ticking clock (call it my biological clock) produces a measure of anxiety from time to time.   That’s all.  Besides, the comparisons are not all bad.  Two weeks ago, the Globe and Mail ran the headline “At 70, A Novelist Is Born, about Alan Bradley, a crime writer from Kelowna, B.C.;  though I will never be a crime writer, such stories do give me hope.  And maybe, too, I should stop reading Nietzsche (who, incidentally, was chair of philology at Basle University at twenty-four years of age).

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Clothes I'm Wearing... by englishbanana.com

Recently, I was teaching a lesson on clothing to beginner students.  We worked through the standard vocabulary and associated verb structures fairly quickly, so I pushed them to begin describing the clothes.  We reviewed the use of adjectives and I taught them more descriptive vocabulary words (ie.  plaid, striped, checkered); the results, in class, were quite pleasing.

For homework, then, I asked them to write a paragraph detailing their favourite item of clothing.  This they happily did, returning the next day with some rather extensive descriptions of their wardrobes.  One of my students, evidently at a loss for words at home,  had most definitely turned to her technological translator for help.  The result was a somewhat confusing paragraph,  perhaps best proved by the following abstracted sentence:

My white hoody and pink checkered skirt is each other compound is good and cute.

And while I’m on the subject of lessons on clothing, I thought I would include the following open letter to the people of Happy House Publishing:

Dear Happy House Publishing, Department of Curriculum Development

If you hope to guide students through a “delightfully imaginative learning environment,” as is your stated goal, might I suggest not including images of young girls in their undergarments?  What Is She Wearing?

It really causes unnecessary turmoil, what with nine year old boys clawing at their eyes, crawling under their desks, and screeching horrifically all the while.  The braver ones always venture to re-open their books, tentatively and by peripheral vision,  to page 54 only to slide it in front of the unsuspecting eyes of another boy, resulting in, quite obviously, a complete repetition of the aforementioned actions.

As you might intuit from the above description, the sum total of newly  acquired English verges on absolutely nil.  Granted some of the students are yelling, “ahh my gawd!” which does pass for spoken English, but I think you see my point.

Thank you for weighing my recommendations and I look forward to working with your revised editions.

Sincerely,
Geoff Martin

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While the following does not quite fit the criteria for my “word-for-word” (mis)translations, I thought it such vividly morbid stream-of-consciousness that I dug it up from the archives.

On the eve of Halloween, I asked my writing class to frighten me with a descriptive paragraph about a haunted house.  After reading out the submissions by flashlight in a darkened classroom, I couldn’t help but copy a portion of one of them.  To create the desired effect of spoken-word poetry, please read aloud, in rhythm, and in one long breath (maybe turn the lights out too):

The haunted house is empty and scary on top of the hill broken windows and screams and evil laughter and ghost and skeleton is die people.

(The lack of punctuation should not reflect negatively on my ability, or lack thereof, to instill basic grammatical rules in my students.)

An abandoned house in the foothills of Volcan Barva, Boquete, Panama

An abandoned house in the foothills of Volcán Barú, Boquete, Panama

- photo by Geoff Martin

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According to Aesop, there was once a The Goose with the Golden Egg
goose that laid golden eggs.  Of course, the farmer, who quite happily collected the droplets of pure gold, became rapidly rich and even more rapidly greedy.  Not content to wait through the gestation of gold, he decided to kill the goose in order to harvest, in full, its precious source.

After reading the above story in class one day, I asked my students to summarize it in their own words.  Their tendency, when “summarizing” is to either copy the entire story verbatim or to pick and choose random sentences to form a scattered, incomprehensible account.  Neither is preferable.

Fortunately, one of my students attempted to actually summarize the story.  Unfortunately, she relied on her techno-translator to supply the new vocabulary required.  As such, the final sentence of her summary ended up like this:

Then the farmer killed the goose and opened up the goose’s intention.

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English HagwonThat my English Hagwon (academy) caters to the incessant demands of our students’ mothers has always been a no-brainer observation.  Within my first month, my weekly lesson plans, which are distributed to each student, were suddenly rejected for not containing “enough detail.”  The lesson plans themselves were not inadequate.  I simply needed to expand on the information contained therein, giving the illusion, since most of the mothers can’t read English, that I was teaching far more than simply “Unit 4” of the textbook.

In a similar vein, I could not write the word “review” into a lesson plan, as such a word suggests the abhorrent concepts of repetition and practice– things these nine year old students, strapped as they are to the Korean bullet train of education, simply don’t have time for.  “Onward to successful high school and college entrance exams!” The Mothers collectively cry out into the night (and yes, in Korea,  a child’s education falls squarely within the mother’s sphere of duty).

Of course, this tireless cycle of pacifying The Mothers results in an equally tiresome game of constant illusion and even outright deceit.  Along the way, any semblance of sound pedagogy or commitment to academic standards is flushed down a Korean squatter toilet.  Nothing speaks to this deception more than our method of grading students.

During my first round of midterm exams, a co-teacher of mine nervously told me I needed to fudge the marks a little bit.  I was not, as might be assumed by educators the world over, supposed to give a mark per question.  Instead, I was to add up the number of errors on the twenty five question test and then subtract that from an exam grade of…um…how about seventy five?  Consequently, “Philip”, who properly deserves 18/25 (72%), in fact scores a spectacular 68/75 (90%).  Hurray! Such intelligence!

Of course, there is a business plan behind this charade and it is very simply the plan to keep students at our school.  Were “Philip” to actually be rewarded with his duly-received 72% on his English reading midterm, he would be promptly yanked from our school, relocated to the next academy down the street, and given a private tutor, so great would be the fallout.

Given the nature of the business, I don’t mind tending to my students’ education while my employers seek new and innovative ways to convince The Mothers to entrust their children to our system.  But what I saw last week makes all of the above seem like slightly bitter coffee, not ideal but drinkable nonetheless.  The following, however, is like twelve-year-old, ground Russian coffee, dripped through with cat piss, and served chilled:

I was stuffing report cards into my students’ envelopes, when it occurred to me that I should be aware of what, exactly, my students were receiving.  I glanced at the report of a particularly difficult student who, despite my mathematical machinations, had still not fared well on his final tests.  To my surprise, there were four columns detailing the foreign teacher’s comments.  I, being the foreign teacher, had never been asked to write any comments for this report card, so I was, naturally, quite curious to read what “I” was saying:

HOMEWORK: The student completes all assignments with great accuracy and effort every day….
EFFORT: This student has consistently worked hard during the term….

I flipped over the next report, one of a deserving student with excellent grades, to see what “my” comments were this time:

HOMEWORK: The student completes all assignments with great accuracy and effort every day….
EFFORT: This student has consistently worked hard during the term….

The same.  I looked through the rest of the reports.   All the comments were the same; even the Korean Teacher’s comments were identical script!  My eyes, rife with a mocking skepticism of the document in-hand, turned to the fancy-schmancy bar graph at the bottom.  The y-axis detailed the student’s possible percentage grade, while the x-axis listed their four subjects (reading, writing, listening, and speaking).  I expected each bar graph to be as equal in content as the generic comments were, but in this I was bemusedly surprised.  The bar graph actually corresponded to their final grades listed in the report!  Fortunately (unfortunately?), it didn’t take long to spot the deceit.  Running alongside each bar was another off-colour bar of slightly lesser value.  Could it be that the lesser bar represents an imaginary class average?  A quick inquiry proved my hunch correct.  No matter the student’s (already fudged) grade, whether high or “low,” the class average is a consistent four to six percentage points less!

Surely this is a crime somewhere else in the world.  The benefit, I suppose, is counter-cultural, in that I am no longer a grade-focused, test-dependent teacher.  The system is as it is, and the children are merely victims to its lies, as are The Mothers, who are victims of this culture of education even as they help perpetuate it.  I can only laugh at the waste of paper and return to maximizing every forty minutes I spend with my students.

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